In Defense Of Small Talk

the art of chatting

Stumpies, new and old, we have a real treat today. After once again ruminating for an entire week about what wisdom I should bestow upon my doting readers in this rendition of The Stump, I was blessed by a truly divine intervention. It’s cold here in Michigan, but not so cold that you don’t crack the windows for a bit during the evenings to let the cool air refresh you while you watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch for the seventeenth time. As I was enjoying my open window time like an indoor cat, I was lucky enough overhear a conversation. A real proper conversation. Dudes Chatting.

Like spotting a bald eagle in the wild, I dared not move a muscle for fear of spooking the dudes. The banter was quick and light; tips for apps to put on your phone were being shared; every sentence was punctuated with a friendly “y’know.” I was getting a free masterclass in low-stakes chit-chat. For the most part, I was simply enjoying my impromptu podcast; however, I did write down a good story that was relayed by one of the gentlemen in the conversation just for you, dear reader, so that you can also experience the natural wonder:

“So, I drive over, and I pull up to the kid and he says ‘Hey, are you Uber?’ And I go ‘No, I’m Dave.’ And just nothing haha… he gets this confused look on his face… and I’m like, ‘And you got into the University of Michigan, you stupid moron?’”

Shakespeare wishes he had written dialog that punchy.

So, today I am going to pay homage to the glory I was allowed to witness and come in swinging in defense of, and belief in, the art of small talk. Ironically, this post is what we might call big talk.

Sizing up the enemy.

If you are a delightfully normal person who has been familiar with the concept of existing in the world any time in the last 10,000 years or so, you are probably saying to yourself: “But Katie, who is attacking small talk, a pillar of our society?” And I have the regretful duty of informing you that the answer is: many weirdos.

The classic, expected small talk attacks generally come from angsty teenagers who have just discovered that they can have thoughts about something other than snacktime and legos [unfortunately, as I would much prefer to only be thinking about snacktime and legos]. However, an increasingly large number of adults seem to have forgotten that it is cringe and dumb misguided to listen to teenagers.

I want to jump off a bridge. If you roll up to a conversation with me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask what keeps me up at night, I’m calling the police.

Small talk naysayers want to talk about “““Deep and Serious””” things. Small talk naysayers want to “skip the unimportant stuff” and dive right into being a lot. Well, I want a million dollars; you can’t always get what you want.

Let’s do a test. Pick the correct dialog for this situation:

It’s Wednesday at 3:30pm. You’re in the breakroom at work to make a cup of tea (two coffees in a day will just upset your stomach, but you really need some caffeine). There are six emails in your inbox waiting for you to get back to your computer. The fluorescent lights in this room are humming. I swear they didn’t used to be so loud. The walls have been freshly painted… gray, to match the old gray. There’s a coffee ring on the counter. As you steep your tea and read a flyer about the canned food drive pinned to the refrigerator, Janine walks in…

Congratulations if you chose A! You understand the value of small talk. Now, if you chose B, you should probably be studied in a lab somewhere.

People who want to dunk on small talk have almost never considered the implications of a Janine walking up and opening with “Do you feel empathy for murders on death row?” Sure, that’s a conversation you can have with good friends and family [note to my friends and family: I’m never having that conversation with you]. But why, oh, why do you want to subject yourself to a Janine’s thoughts on anything deeper than “What’s up?” I pinky promise, you will be happier if you don’t.

Consider that when I typed “i hate small talk” into Google, I got a shitton of results from whinny Redditors. If you are in the same camp as whiny Redditors on anything, you need to reevaluate your life.

The defense takes the stand

Not only are anti-small talk people baby brains who erroneously consider themselves sophisticated and smart, they’re just downright wrong in their assessment of the value of small talk! Let’s consider the universal small talk language - the weather.

The weather is perhaps one of the most invariably important parts of the human [or more broadly, Earth-dwelling] experience. The weather determines whether we have food to eat, water to drink, air to breathe, windows that are about to be shattered and rain glass down upon us, electricity for writing blogs, etc. I think about the weather at least 300 times per day, so forgive me if I think small talk about the weather is actually a nice subject!

If you can’t think of at least 20 things to say about this photo, you and I should avoid attempting conversation.

Furthermore, the weather is often a proxy or outlet for one’s mood. Opening a conversation with “nice weather today” immediately tells me you’re in a decent enough spirit that the conversation should be pleasant. Opening with “I’m sick of this fucking heat” tells me to wear kid-gloves with this one. And that opening is far less hairy - while still expressing your emotional state - than “I’m really pissed off because my ex-wife took the kids.” I don’t need to know you like that. I have nothing to say to that. But when you bitch about the weather, I can meet you there.

Let’s return to our inciting incident for this blog: Dudes Chatting. The two dudes who were chatting outside my house learned approximately zero consequential information about each other. The circumstance of their conversation was a pizza man delivering to a customer, and their conversation never made it more personal than that. The topics covered included: driving for Uber, spam callers, pizza, and the college town they live in. They enjoyed a 15-minute conversation entirely comprised of small talk. They don’t know each other’s names; they will likely never meet again. But, they shared some chuckles and a front porch step, and that’s what life’s all about.

Practical steps to implementing small talk

I will conclude with a few of my iron-clad tips and topics for engaging in successful small talk, developed over years of being an insufferable teenager and having to slowly turn into a less-insufferable adult [if you find me insufferable, that’s squarely now a *you* problem].

1. Leveraging the “how are you?” question properly neither requires that you lie nor reveal too much. 75% of the time, the correct answer is “good.” No stranger needs to hear the honest answer that you’re fighting with the insurance company to cover the cost of your hemorrhoid cream. We all have our stuff; no one thinks that you answering “good” means that you don’t have stuff. What it means is that you have the self-awareness not to make me deal with your stuff.

   The other 25% of the time, you can leverage the question as a distress signal + opportunity to riff. Opportunities to riff should be treated like precious gems and never squandered. This technique can be practiced most effectively on either 1) closer friends or 2) bosses [bosses always deserve to have you make them feel mildly shitty for your problems]. Here, still, you don’t want to give too much detail, and you always want to be lightly witty to avoid being That Guy™ who makes things weird and uncomfortable. A few of my favorites are: “still kickin’,” “can’t complain, but I still will,” and “ahhh… y’know.” The last one is the most likely to elicit sympathy, so use it wisely.

2. Consider developing more of an interest in the weather. Seriously you guys, the weather is fucking fascinating. Google where wind comes from and tell me you don’t want to chat about how windy it is today. I absolutely want to hear about how it’s supposed to be colder tomorrow; that is valuable information. I also absolutely want to hear how it’s warmer in your home state. Neat! It’s so cool how places are different from other places. I realize that sounded extraordinarily sarcastic, but I quite genuinely find that a delight.

3. Topic Topic Topic. I could write a whole other blog post about good topics, and maybe I will! You can’t stop me. The weather is, of course, the best small talk topic. But, if you’re still struggling to break into the small talk topic space, let me provide some assistance:

   Good Topics: Traffic. What you ate for lunch. I really should run today. Work sucks, huh? Celebrity deaths. Are you doing anything for [insert nearest future holiday]? Did you do anything fun for [insert nearest past holiday]? Why magicians suck. How’s the family? I love your shoes. Compliments, generally. Local sports. Pointing at any dog nearby and talking about how he’s a good boy.

   Good Topic Sources: Your very favorite blog, The Stump. The Farmer’s Almanac. Trashy magazine covers you see in line at the grocery store. Outside. Absolutely nothing that has ever been covered on any news outlet. Billboards.

   

   I want to talk about this!!!!!

4. The best way to end small talk [because even good things must come to an end] is with “well, I’d better let you go!” With one simple statement, you’re demonstrating that you value the other person’s time and energy by letting them off the hook. You also value their pride by saving them the mild social awkwardness of being the one to end the conversation. Never mind that you also want to leave - the point is that this closer centers your conversational partner and makes you look like the good guy for being concerned with their wellbeing. Spread a little affability around, it’s an infinitely renewable resource.

Well, I’d better let you go!

I hope you have a nice day, Stumpies. I hope your weather is pleasant or, alternatively, sufficiently unpleasant that it’s worth yelling about. As I often do, I will end with a call to action here on The Stump - armed with your new reverence for small talk and techniques for achieving it, go make small talk with a stranger. I recommend anyone working a job that requires actual work - landscapers, hair stylists, construction, janitors, etc. I have never been disappointed by hearing what the dude delivering a package thinks about the upcoming game this weekend. The affable revolution starts here!

Buy me a coffee or beer as we spiritually engage in the sacred tradition of small talk at the local pub.