What Do Serena Williams And Reddit Guy Possibly Talk About?

this is the eighth wonder of the world

Despite spoiling the core question of this blog quite immediately in the title, I am still going to provide a dramatic build up because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want! I’m still in charge here, even if that applies literally nowhere else in my life.

We know that old adage: “opposites attract.” It’s a beloved trope throughout the media sphere for good reason - we all fawn over that affable chap falling for the curmudgeonly raincloud of a woman; we all love when the buff dummies drool over the rocket scientists. However, very rarely in real life does this trope work out so well. At the risk of driving down my own engagement on this post, I’ll implore you not to flood my comments with disagreements on this point, as I’m quite positive anyone who disagrees is just 1) massively rom-com-pilled, or 2) coping. Yeahyeahyeah, it works out for some, but let’s be honest, most of us would go bananas if our long-term partners shared absolutely nothing in common with us. Some of us will go bananas for entirely different reasons. It’s really hard to keep from going bananas, so let’s minimize the risks.

Blog meat time…

All of this rambling brings me to the core question burning in the title of this blog and ever-so persistently in the forefront of my mind: what in the ever-loving hell do tennis titan Serena Williams and that little twerp from the internet - Alexis Ohanian, for everyone in the world who has never heard his name - possibly talk about? This question has been plaguing me, dear readers, keeping me tossing and turning at night, haunting my every waking hour [and there are so few of those]. I’m bringing my loyal Stumpies on this journey because only together, with our great numbers and resolve, can we uncover this mystery that rivals all others. The Riemann Hypothesis, quantum entanglement, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop… these mysteries of the universe shall, nay, they must, be sidebarred until we understand how Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian have ever had even a singular conversation. If you are not tapped into the athletic marriage scene and/or hopelessly on Reddit, allow me to provide some context so you can better engage with my inquisitive spirit.

A handsome couple! But in practice, folks, they cannot possibly be smiling at the same thing. They simply cannot enjoy similar delights in this world.

Serena and Alexis [gonna assume they would like me, think we’re besties, and allow me to call them by their first names] were married in 2017, and are, possibly blissfully, still together. Serena Williams is regarded as one of the greatest tennis players of all time. She was #1 for approximately a hundred years; she has won the Grand Slam approximately a thousand times; and she has approximately a million other tennis accolades ranging from Olympic gold medals to Sports Illustrated covers. I probably didn’t have to tell you who Serena Williams is for you to know who Serena Williams is.

Now, Alexis. Alexis Ohanian is not unremarkable, don’t mistake me. He is remarkable if you care about his whole thing, and that’s a big if. Alexis is involved with numerous exciting projects such as Initialized Capital, Hipmunk, Breadpig, and of course, Y Combinator! We all love using Y Combinator for their valuable good and/or service. However, Alexis Ohanian is perhaps best known as the founder of Reddit. I would suspect about a third of my audience may not know what Reddit is. Allow me to delight in explaining it to you [I will be even more delighted for those of you who know what Reddit is to read this description]. Reddit is a social media website that was once described to me as the “best place to view beheadings.” I will fully concede that this description is 100% inaccurate and the person who said it was a dummy, but I do think it says something about the website if a misconception about it is of that variety. Reddit, in my experience, is more accurately described as a social media website where folks are real fuckin’ weird and occasionally unbelievably brilliant and useful. As are the best of us. I think in the technical, boring explanation with no jokes inserted [boo!], Reddit is a “social media aggregation website” where all users are anonymous, and people share links and comment and all that jazz. In short, Reddit Guy [upgrading Alexis to his my preferred nickname for him] just built a bizarre little corner of the internet where a lot of people contract Chronic Onlinedness, which is quite terminal.

“And these two are a couple?” Yeah, I know.

So, let’s review the stats here, literally.

Serena Williams:

You don’t have to read this table to believe me that there are a lot of impressive things here and numbers that are, some may say, quite good.

Reddit Guy:

You also don’t have to read this table to understand I’m making fun of Alexis.

Now, don’t be obtuse and pedantic about Mr. Reddit technically having a better WR than Serena, okay. I made the graphics for this joke in like 5 minutes; don’t think too hard about it. Also, for anyone who wants to be like “Oh yeah, well I bet Reddit Guy is worth a fortune because he does Internet,” get bent! Serena Williams’s net worth is something like thirty times higher than his. We all understand the point I’m making here with plenty of evidence to back it up: Reddit Guy scored an Ace, despite serving using a snowball and a ruler.

But honestly, the difference in their career accomplishment level isn’t really my main point of interest today. Sure, it is undeniably fascinating to ponder what Alexis possibly said to woo Serena goddamn Williams, but at a certain point I’m just dunking on a nerd who is historically going to be linked with Reddit for all eternity and in the eyes of god, and that’s enough punishment for one lifetime.

I think what I’m more perplexed by is how they interact as people. Serena is An Athlete. She is the definition of a jock, a competitive genius. She won the freaking Australian Open while 8 weeks pregnant. She does advertisements for brands like Gatorade and Nike. I have to imagine most of her days have been spent (and possibly still are spent) chatting with other athletes and folks of the athletic persuasion about workout plans, game strategy, opponent matchups, gear, injuries, etc. In contrast, Reddit Guy has probably spent most of his career talking about web design, code, and taking down Digg [another deeply dorky deep cut of a site, courtesy of my editor]. Per Alexis’s Wikipedia page: “his obsession with technology started in middle school when he got a 33.6k dialup modem.” His most significant career injury was probably a wittle wrist stwain! from being on the computer too long.

So, what do they possibly talk about at the end of the day????? Frustrated with the growing number of “man, I wish I could be a fly on that wall” scenarios we seem to be accruing at The Stump, I asked ChatGPT to simulate a conversation between Serena and Alexis to satiate my ceaseless curiosity:

Alexis: (sighs) Hi, honey, I'm back from work. Today was so tough, dealing with all those emails and meetings.

Serena: Oh, really? Yeah, my day on the court was pretty intense too. It was 100 degrees and I broke my ankle sprinting and then I won another trophy.

Alexis: Yeah, it's all just so demanding… starring at that computer all day, you know? The eyestrain is a bitch.

Serena: (sympathetic) That must be so tough for you, dear. My day was pretty simple, really. I just flawlessly executed a down-the-line backhand passing shot with exceptional topspin and acute cross-court trajectory, catching my opponent off-guard.

Alexis: That sounds crazy, honey. I spent the day fine-tuning the algorithm for Reddit with intricate hyperparameter optimization within deep neural networks, coupled with probabilistic latent semantic analysis, to augment content discoverability through entropy-based contextual embeddings.

Serena: (smiles) Let’s get Chinese food for dinner.

Alexis: (smiles) Okay.

And scene. Wow… It’s like Serena and Alexis are in the room with me, as they often are. I just love when I can make the computer do my work for me [actually, the computer’s AI script was pretty dogshit, so I edited this a lot manually and it was way more time consuming than writing it from scratch. If you want the chuckles done right, I guess you have to do it yourself!].

Just look at the difference in their outfit choices here and tell me that these two individuals have anything in common. Tell me they share one iota of an interest, a personality trait, a worldview, a fashion sense.

Advantage Serena Love All

If the 100% accurate conversation simulation did not make my thesis clear, I will conclude the blog today by being as transparent as possible - I think, when you plan on spending a lot of time with a person, you probably would like to have some things in common. I’ve concluded from my expert research [a thought I had one day while driving to Walmart] that Serena Williams and Reddit Guy almost certainly have nothing in common. Ergo, the fact that they seem to be a happy little couple is, frankly, discombobulating. I wish neither of them any ill will; I just cannot plausibly envision a scenario where their household involves anything but the two of them talking past each other on topics the other one does not care about whatsoever. Wait, do you think Serena has ever made Reddit Guy pick up a tennis racket? Having a genuine chuckle at that thought. Likewise, Serena is undoubtedly more of a Renaissance lady than me, but I can still only imagine how her eyes must glaze over with sheer boredom as Alexis tells her excitedly about increased average scroll time on the main feed.

As I wrap up another fine Stump post this evening, I feel a great sense of satisfaction at the work done here today. It feels good to put in a hard day’s labor speculating wildly about the trivial aspects of the lives of two C-list one B-list celebrity and one D-list celebrity. I simply don’t feel enough people are pointing out with requisite frequency that Serena Williams and Reddit Guy make about as much sense as a Bob Dylan concert [I’ve decided to lean into bullying my Bob Dylan fans on this blog, and I recently attended a Bob Dylan concert, so I can confidently say that they make approximately zero sense]. I am, as far as I know, the first to speculate about the Williams-Ohanian household in this capacity, so congratulations on being part of this groundbreaking exercise. Yet, the fundamental question remains unanswered, and perhaps always will. We’re going to bring back a fan favorite here: the call-to-action. In the comments, I need answers. What do you think Serena and Alexis talk about? How do they possibly have enough to talk about to sustain a marriage [children don’t count that’s like saying “chores and bills”]? Who do you think does the most humoring of the other’s interests? How in god’s green earth did the inventor of Reddit score Serena Willaims?

Much to ponder still, but for now, we’ll leave it at game, set, match made in heaven?

dazzled by my unrelenting wit and wisdom? you can finance my caffeine and alcohol consumption that keeps this stone rolling uphill. also, i’ll be immeasurably grateful and possibly weep.