Breakfast bars replaced Carnation Instant Breakfast Drink, which, let’s face it, required too much prep time - you had to pour milk into a glass and stir.
especially advantageous because milk is yucky!!! weirdly thick water!!! no good unless somehow transformed into a solid (baking, cooking, ice cream, etc)
okay so we do have these but they’re absolutely not called flumps for some unknowable stupid reason because THAT is a flump if i’ve ever seen one… it would be like taking that pesky chewing out of the bar food process!!
The army donated a bunch of high energy survival bars for refugees where I used to work. They were like 8000 calories per bar and worked well if you could soak them in water for a couple of weeks. And if all your teeth hadn’t already fallen out because of malnutrition while you waited for the bars to soak. The other drawback was having water to soak them in, and as you know, camels’ milk won’t work, because it comes out powdered and they milk camels with a vacuum cleaner.
I have a more modern kind of 8000 calorie survival bars that only take a couple of days to soak, and I take with me during my winter expeditions, mostly so I have enough energy to catch good tasting food, like squirrels and wolves. The bars taste food like, or at least similar. It may be the dried version of what they ate on that submarine thing in the Matrix.
eight.... THOUSAND???? calories????? god bless them they invented a bar food that's almost as many calories as one dairy queen blizzard. Have they considered building a dairy queen in the refugee areas where you used to work? seems potentially effective
I’ll drill a hole in one for you with carbide drill bit the size of a candle so you put a candle in it for a birthday bar, which if you don’t lose it, will last you for the rest of your life, even though your friends will gnaw on it year after year. You can also insert some ballistic nylon cord through the hole and carry it around your neck in case you are ever shipwrecked, need an emergency birthday cake, or get stranded in the Sahara without your bug out bag. Keep in mind that they are nearly the size of a standard house brick sliced like Subway sandwich bread and weigh about the same as a standard house brick.
Also, if you ever find yourself in low earth orbit in a poorly maintained Space Shuttle that is missing a heat tile, the emergency food bar can be used as a temporary heat protection shield that will hold up under standard re-entry rigors. While you may notice some minor surface ablation upon landing, the emergency survival food bar will remain suitable for its primary function, although there may be some minor surface charring.
Note: some wearers prefer a pair of the survival biscuits on the ballistic nylon cord because of the beautiful natural symmetry.
I am offended for breakfast--I absolutely adore awakening and eating a bowl of microwaved mush, as the sun-dappled morning rays shimmer across a delicious offering of dried and pre-packaged Aldi oatmeal apples. Butter, one of the staples of a nutritious breakfast, already exists as a perfectly good meal in bar form.
you know you might be able to sell me on being a “morning person” if the pitch involved a good emphasis on butter-for-breakfast model, not whatever shit Big Cereal and Big Milk are peddling!
I always look forward to the part where you helpfully graph-(sees sushi in sadness and shame quadrant) what????????????????????????????????????????????
Spray food is right up there with food bars. Cheese spray is good. It reminds me of the expanding foam insulation in a can. I invented spray peanut butter for the Wonder bread crowd, because cold peanut butter really tears up Wonder bread. I gave up on the idea because the Original Crunchy Flavor with Real Nuts always plugged up the spray nozzle. Maybe if I crossed peanut butter with the spray insulation foam, but so only little chunks of the foam expanded and got hard after it was sprayed.
There are no problems, only solutions. Better living through chemicals.
if spray foam started marketing themselves as a low-cal, yet filling!, meal supplement, I can think of at least 7 people off the top of my head who would be stoked about losing weight on the foam diet
I took and passed the Bar Exam subsisting solely on Bar Food! True Story. The food in question was what I consider to be at the top of the Bar Food Pyramid: The Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Bar.
Ask them about cantaloupe food bars, too. And durian. I really like me a fresh durian. I already have enough friends, so I eat as much durian as I can get.
Also, Limburger cheese food bars. And stink flipper food bars.
If food doesn’t have an aroma, half the goodness is missing.
If my wife is away for a few days, I love eating raw garlic cloves. It’s a funny thing, too, because I noticed that mosquitoes, flies and wasps leave me alone for at least a week after binge eating garlic. Also, mean dogs.
Another thing I noticed is that when I am walking in the dark after binge eating garlic, if I burp, there is a little cloud of pale green light so I can see where I am going. It works best if there isn’t a lot of wind.
Meals that would be good in bar form…
- Shepard’s pie with a Parmesan crusted top and a gooey, gravy center.
- Take and bake grilled cheese bar, like an uncrustable. Additional flavors include, pesto, Bacon, or tomato.
- Pork chops and applesauce
absolutely inspired choices, and a particularly big fan of the concept of a creamy center. sounds haunting yet delectable
Meals that may be good in bar form..
-Mustard meat bar (chicken, turkey, pork, and beef options.) Each would come with a complimenting brand of mustard
- Chinese takeout bar
- Taco bar wrapped inside a soft shell
The “this is just crunchy water bar” would be iceberg lettuce and celery
marrying your first idea with @camdenoir - what if we give it a mustard-filled center???
also now i NEED a chinese food takeout bar… fried rice on the go? hell yeah
Love the new thumbs up, leafy-stump logo 👍 🪵 🍃. Also, congratulations, mustard…
you inspired this segment!! i have simply been forgetful about implementing it the last ~3 blogs or so lmao
🤣
Breakfast bars replaced Carnation Instant Breakfast Drink, which, let’s face it, required too much prep time - you had to pour milk into a glass and stir.
especially advantageous because milk is yucky!!! weirdly thick water!!! no good unless somehow transformed into a solid (baking, cooking, ice cream, etc)
It seemed too much to hope that the title was a simpsons reference, but there it was gif and all. Great piece!
i can promise a reliable smattering of simpsons references here on The Stump 🤝
🫡 along for the ride
katie this is a cursed take i will not elaborate
thank you so much 💕💕💕
I see your bar form food and raise you: flump form food. I don't know whether flumps are a thing in the US (if they are they're certainly not called flumps), but I'd eat a lot of food compressed into this squidgy goodness. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flumps_(sweet)#:~:text=A%20Flumps%20(sing.,Barratts%20Flumps
okay so we do have these but they’re absolutely not called flumps for some unknowable stupid reason because THAT is a flump if i’ve ever seen one… it would be like taking that pesky chewing out of the bar food process!!
AREN'T THEY SO FLUMPY. Flumps 2024.
#flumpsforever
This is a really fun read!! I admit at the beginning I was like, what the hell is this about? And then I was like “OOoOoOooohhhh niiiiiiice”
you got to enjoy an authentic experience because that’s *exactly* how i felt writing it!
The army donated a bunch of high energy survival bars for refugees where I used to work. They were like 8000 calories per bar and worked well if you could soak them in water for a couple of weeks. And if all your teeth hadn’t already fallen out because of malnutrition while you waited for the bars to soak. The other drawback was having water to soak them in, and as you know, camels’ milk won’t work, because it comes out powdered and they milk camels with a vacuum cleaner.
I have a more modern kind of 8000 calorie survival bars that only take a couple of days to soak, and I take with me during my winter expeditions, mostly so I have enough energy to catch good tasting food, like squirrels and wolves. The bars taste food like, or at least similar. It may be the dried version of what they ate on that submarine thing in the Matrix.
eight.... THOUSAND???? calories????? god bless them they invented a bar food that's almost as many calories as one dairy queen blizzard. Have they considered building a dairy queen in the refugee areas where you used to work? seems potentially effective
It’s hot there. The 8000 calorie bars don’t melt.
yet another robust W for bar food
I’ll drill a hole in one for you with carbide drill bit the size of a candle so you put a candle in it for a birthday bar, which if you don’t lose it, will last you for the rest of your life, even though your friends will gnaw on it year after year. You can also insert some ballistic nylon cord through the hole and carry it around your neck in case you are ever shipwrecked, need an emergency birthday cake, or get stranded in the Sahara without your bug out bag. Keep in mind that they are nearly the size of a standard house brick sliced like Subway sandwich bread and weigh about the same as a standard house brick.
Also, if you ever find yourself in low earth orbit in a poorly maintained Space Shuttle that is missing a heat tile, the emergency food bar can be used as a temporary heat protection shield that will hold up under standard re-entry rigors. While you may notice some minor surface ablation upon landing, the emergency survival food bar will remain suitable for its primary function, although there may be some minor surface charring.
Note: some wearers prefer a pair of the survival biscuits on the ballistic nylon cord because of the beautiful natural symmetry.
I am offended for breakfast--I absolutely adore awakening and eating a bowl of microwaved mush, as the sun-dappled morning rays shimmer across a delicious offering of dried and pre-packaged Aldi oatmeal apples. Butter, one of the staples of a nutritious breakfast, already exists as a perfectly good meal in bar form.
you know you might be able to sell me on being a “morning person” if the pitch involved a good emphasis on butter-for-breakfast model, not whatever shit Big Cereal and Big Milk are peddling!
You’ve gotta watch out for Big Spoon, too. A lot of shady dealings behind a scooped utensil.
look no further than the fact that Big Spoon has successfully suppressed the power of Big Spork, the inherently superior utensil
I always look forward to the part where you helpfully graph-(sees sushi in sadness and shame quadrant) what????????????????????????????????????????????
i’m so sorry to inform you it isn’t good 💔 but you can heal now and eat creatures of the land!! the good stuff!!
Spray food is right up there with food bars. Cheese spray is good. It reminds me of the expanding foam insulation in a can. I invented spray peanut butter for the Wonder bread crowd, because cold peanut butter really tears up Wonder bread. I gave up on the idea because the Original Crunchy Flavor with Real Nuts always plugged up the spray nozzle. Maybe if I crossed peanut butter with the spray insulation foam, but so only little chunks of the foam expanded and got hard after it was sprayed.
There are no problems, only solutions. Better living through chemicals.
you’ve made it 300% more likely i’m going to try to consume spray foam thank u for this
I will if you do it first. Don’t forget, it swells up after you spray it. It would work really well to treat occasional diarrhea.
if spray foam started marketing themselves as a low-cal, yet filling!, meal supplement, I can think of at least 7 people off the top of my head who would be stoked about losing weight on the foam diet
not me, i'm in it for the flavor
Make sure they have good insurance. It might need to be surgically removed.
no one has good enough insurance for this
Lmao I love me a flavor packed bar 🥰
the concentration brings out the punch!! 😋
I took and passed the Bar Exam subsisting solely on Bar Food! True Story. The food in question was what I consider to be at the top of the Bar Food Pyramid: The Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Bar.
a classic, a staple!! now don’t let them see this or Kelloggs will be demanding compensation for your success
"Look at yourself in the mirror after eating a Lean Cuisine and tell me you feel pride."
You won't! Now put the Lean Cuisine box on your head and wear it like an Albatross!
*cutting out the letters on the lean cuisine box to spell DUNCE on my new hat*
Not until they invent a watermelon food bar.
the textural implications of this are Frightening but i will pass this to the higher ups ✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
Ask them about cantaloupe food bars, too. And durian. I really like me a fresh durian. I already have enough friends, so I eat as much durian as I can get.
Also, Limburger cheese food bars. And stink flipper food bars.
If food doesn’t have an aroma, half the goodness is missing.
i’m just going to go ahead and press you some garlic and onion bars custom order and let you sit in the corner with them and think about your actions
If my wife is away for a few days, I love eating raw garlic cloves. It’s a funny thing, too, because I noticed that mosquitoes, flies and wasps leave me alone for at least a week after binge eating garlic. Also, mean dogs.
Another thing I noticed is that when I am walking in the dark after binge eating garlic, if I burp, there is a little cloud of pale green light so I can see where I am going. It works best if there isn’t a lot of wind.
I wonder if there is a patent on that yet?
this is like the world's worst superpower... have you been eating the garlic around three mile island (again)??