so close! you moved to texas but axed the Kona Ice Truck... it is approximately 200° in texas roughly 450 days per year; that’s exactly when you should have a Kona Ice Truck
did Ben Stein have a Nixon impression please say yes
penguin wearing flip flops has given me more returns than my roth IRA 🥴
This was worth the wait Katie - a rollercoaster ride of a Stumpisode. My retirement stresses melted away like the slushy remnants at the base of a Kona Ice cup
As is always the case after receiving the long awaited Stumpy-stump wisdom from its bi-monthly, or perhaps bi-weekly font, several unrelated thoughts come to mind, and I shall take them in no particular order as follows:
“What if [we] bought a Kona Ice truck instead of retiring?” Is word-for-word (not a lie) what my wife and I said four years ago before we made our first attempt at early retirement, which didn’t take. Instead of buying the truck, we moved to Texas. Then decided we still needed to work.
I took an economics class once, in law school. My professor was Ben Stein. Yes, that Ben Stein. He never once said the word “Bueller” during a class, but he gave me a B. It was the highest grade I got that year, and the second highest grade the whole 3 years.
A penguin wearing flip-flops or a tax-free retirement vehicle that will still be tax-free when you retire. You pick the mythical creature.
I think a Kona Ice truck is one of life’s guaranteed happiness-makers. So many choices to choose from, and it’s do-it-yourself. What could be more American than that? Blue Raspberry is my go-to, but I can’t abide coconut on an iced treat, so piña colada is right out.
i understand everyone has to grieve in their own way with this news and i’d like to offer my sincerest apologies for the damage i have done to the community 😔🙏🏻 maybe one day i’ll forget the formula for gdp and we can all be friends again
They'll be re-booting The History Channel just to do a one hour documentary feature on the woman who's sold sugar ice for fifty years from the same High School Football Parking lot. Your island lifestyle is baked into that cake.
Are you related to the guys who make the Nissen cars, because they might have a little farm somewhere you could live at when you retire? Maybe raise a few sheep. Carve a few walking sticks to sell to tourist who come to stare at your quaint life. Grow some potatoes. Everybody knows how to grow potatoes. Even Matt Damon knows how to grow potatoes and he did it on Mars.
You don’t need no stinking IRA. The way will open up before you, and you always have me for advice, which I will give whether it’s wanted or not, if I see that it is needed.
Ancestrally. I shouldn't wear pants, should paint my face blue, and should write poems about the lice crawling around in the old lady's hair who sits at church in the pew ahead of me. Oh, and I should also be Enlightened. We were on a role in them days.
So potatoes and sheep raising? Aren't mashed potatoes like your people's guacamole?
ancestrally, i’m imagining you as either one of the blue people of kentucky or possibly the aliens from Avatar
mashed potatoes are like my people’s water as guacamole has too many eccentric ingredients. mashed potatoes is just mash + potato, which is as complicated as i can be expected to handle
My retirement plan is to collect aluminum cans and plastic soda bottles here in Idaho, where there is no deposit, then hitchhike to Cali, where they give big money to recycle them.
I also checked into selling plasma, since I sit around making blood all day anyway, and learned I can get up to $500 a month being a plasma cow.
Add in dumpster diving at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, breakfast and dinner at the local rescue mission, clothing from our local thrift store, and an old RV parked over a storm drain at Walmart, and I must ask why panic?
Also, never rule out the SMOD, because even though the odds are low, they are never zero. Then who’s worried about a retirement account after a direct hit by the sweet meteor of death?
you joke, switter, but this is more or less exactly how i prepare for the future. give me just a few more years of brain damage and im gonna end up a prepper living in a hole in the ground waiting for the SMOD. with my luck, i’ll survive! and the only other survivor will be the tax man!
Also, after SMOD, there will still be goats and cockroaches, but mostly cockroaches. If a tax man survives, remind me and I’ll text you plans for a pit trap with sharpened bamboo sticks and my favorite long pig recipes.
I plan to survive. I went off a five hundred foot cliff last week and didn’t even get bruised. Every day is Ground Hog Day for me, and it will never change, because there is zero chance of me learning to be nice.
Also, I have some great recipes for cockroach sushi.
Have you ever stepped on a cockroach? They are, uh, made from custard inside, and the huge ones in Madagascar bark at you when you try to step on them. They don’t seem nice.
Cockroach custard, chungalolos that are like stepping on cream-filled Cheetos when you step on them barefooted in the dark. I’m starting to think I should file for a refund on my life, because I read a Conde’ Nast, and I didn’t get a Conde’ Nast life. I don’t know who or where to get a refund, but I am going to Karen myself until I get a refund. And maybe a $500 voucher toward my purchase of my new Conde’ Nast life. Is that too much to expect? No, it’s not too much to expect.
if you find out how to process that refund from life plz lmk because i have a few bones to pick with certain outcomes it assigned me... like what the hell do you mean i’m 5’5 i was definitely supposed to be 6’2 and a guard for the WNBA
so close! you moved to texas but axed the Kona Ice Truck... it is approximately 200° in texas roughly 450 days per year; that’s exactly when you should have a Kona Ice Truck
did Ben Stein have a Nixon impression please say yes
penguin wearing flip flops has given me more returns than my roth IRA 🥴
This was worth the wait Katie - a rollercoaster ride of a Stumpisode. My retirement stresses melted away like the slushy remnants at the base of a Kona Ice cup
like the bottom slush in a Kona cup, your retirement stress will be an unappealing color and an amalgamation of multiples flavors of anxieties
luckily, you can always just throw it away
As is always the case after receiving the long awaited Stumpy-stump wisdom from its bi-monthly, or perhaps bi-weekly font, several unrelated thoughts come to mind, and I shall take them in no particular order as follows:
“What if [we] bought a Kona Ice truck instead of retiring?” Is word-for-word (not a lie) what my wife and I said four years ago before we made our first attempt at early retirement, which didn’t take. Instead of buying the truck, we moved to Texas. Then decided we still needed to work.
I took an economics class once, in law school. My professor was Ben Stein. Yes, that Ben Stein. He never once said the word “Bueller” during a class, but he gave me a B. It was the highest grade I got that year, and the second highest grade the whole 3 years.
A penguin wearing flip-flops or a tax-free retirement vehicle that will still be tax-free when you retire. You pick the mythical creature.
I think a Kona Ice truck is one of life’s guaranteed happiness-makers. So many choices to choose from, and it’s do-it-yourself. What could be more American than that? Blue Raspberry is my go-to, but I can’t abide coconut on an iced treat, so piña colada is right out.
This was really great until the part about the economics degree and now…I’m sorry…I just…I can’t look at you the same way any more.
i understand everyone has to grieve in their own way with this news and i’d like to offer my sincerest apologies for the damage i have done to the community 😔🙏🏻 maybe one day i’ll forget the formula for gdp and we can all be friends again
I bet you could make a fortune
anything to sustain me until i’m 100 years old. my family is burdened with longevity
I mean, who wouldn’t buy Kona ice from a cute 99 year old woman?
but will i be sustaining the island lifestyle at 99?? can i cowabunga with a metallic hip?? can i hang ten with the teens??
They'll be re-booting The History Channel just to do a one hour documentary feature on the woman who's sold sugar ice for fifty years from the same High School Football Parking lot. Your island lifestyle is baked into that cake.
Are you related to the guys who make the Nissen cars, because they might have a little farm somewhere you could live at when you retire? Maybe raise a few sheep. Carve a few walking sticks to sell to tourist who come to stare at your quaint life. Grow some potatoes. Everybody knows how to grow potatoes. Even Matt Damon knows how to grow potatoes and he did it on Mars.
You don’t need no stinking IRA. The way will open up before you, and you always have me for advice, which I will give whether it’s wanted or not, if I see that it is needed.
if i could just change that pesky “e” in nissen to an “a,” you’d never see me again i’d fuck off to the bahamas and not do my taxes
unless the irs is watching, in which case i love paying taxes (see: my stinkin’ IRA)
ancestrally, i should have potato and sheep raising In My Bones
Ancestrally. I shouldn't wear pants, should paint my face blue, and should write poems about the lice crawling around in the old lady's hair who sits at church in the pew ahead of me. Oh, and I should also be Enlightened. We were on a role in them days.
So potatoes and sheep raising? Aren't mashed potatoes like your people's guacamole?
ancestrally, i’m imagining you as either one of the blue people of kentucky or possibly the aliens from Avatar
mashed potatoes are like my people’s water as guacamole has too many eccentric ingredients. mashed potatoes is just mash + potato, which is as complicated as i can be expected to handle
I have no specific recollection of Ben Stein doing a Nixon, but I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t have tried it at least once that semester.
i simply don’t know how one could resist after writing speeches for the guy... that would be my day 1 move!
My retirement plan is to collect aluminum cans and plastic soda bottles here in Idaho, where there is no deposit, then hitchhike to Cali, where they give big money to recycle them.
I also checked into selling plasma, since I sit around making blood all day anyway, and learned I can get up to $500 a month being a plasma cow.
Add in dumpster diving at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, breakfast and dinner at the local rescue mission, clothing from our local thrift store, and an old RV parked over a storm drain at Walmart, and I must ask why panic?
Also, never rule out the SMOD, because even though the odds are low, they are never zero. Then who’s worried about a retirement account after a direct hit by the sweet meteor of death?
you joke, switter, but this is more or less exactly how i prepare for the future. give me just a few more years of brain damage and im gonna end up a prepper living in a hole in the ground waiting for the SMOD. with my luck, i’ll survive! and the only other survivor will be the tax man!
But wait, I am not joking.
Also, after SMOD, there will still be goats and cockroaches, but mostly cockroaches. If a tax man survives, remind me and I’ll text you plans for a pit trap with sharpened bamboo sticks and my favorite long pig recipes.
I plan to survive. I went off a five hundred foot cliff last week and didn’t even get bruised. Every day is Ground Hog Day for me, and it will never change, because there is zero chance of me learning to be nice.
Also, I have some great recipes for cockroach sushi.
Plus I have a lot of hundred trillions of Zimbabwe dollars so I can power buy my way out of any SMOD related unpleasantness.
cockroach sushi might go over huge in zimbabwe, which i’m starting to gently suspect you may be intent on purchasing/overthrowing soon
Have you ever stepped on a cockroach? They are, uh, made from custard inside, and the huge ones in Madagascar bark at you when you try to step on them. They don’t seem nice.
Cockroach custard, chungalolos that are like stepping on cream-filled Cheetos when you step on them barefooted in the dark. I’m starting to think I should file for a refund on my life, because I read a Conde’ Nast, and I didn’t get a Conde’ Nast life. I don’t know who or where to get a refund, but I am going to Karen myself until I get a refund. And maybe a $500 voucher toward my purchase of my new Conde’ Nast life. Is that too much to expect? No, it’s not too much to expect.
if you find out how to process that refund from life plz lmk because i have a few bones to pick with certain outcomes it assigned me... like what the hell do you mean i’m 5’5 i was definitely supposed to be 6’2 and a guard for the WNBA
So my HY savings account didn’t solve all your problems?
I could see you as a Kona ice proprietor. Taking investors?
the problem with a HY savings account is you must have something substantial from which to yield!!!
yes, investors always welcome (don’t think about the fact that this investment will only make returns when you’re ~74)
Loved it. Never heard of Kona Ice before, and sadly I’ll probably never get to try it, but now I have something new to dream about. Thanks, Katie!