These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

and then i dont feel... like 16% as bad

Happy Holidays, Stumpies! This week, I’m taking inspiration from none other than Dame Julie Andrews and a song from a movie that is, ironically, one of my least favorite things. But! This post is going to be a fun divergence from our traditional Stump format. To allow you momentarily peer behind the bark here at The Stump, I will let you in on a secret: often, I come up with some extremely useless ideas for this blog that never make it anywhere near post. Sometimes those ideas are useless because they are bad [no one wants to read my takes about the vibecession]. Most commonly, however, I would say that I have ideas that just aren’t quite meaty enough for the quality we strive for here at The Stump. I aim to serve you piping-hot prime rib every week, and I have certainly never settled for anything less!!

But this week, the week before Christmas, entirely too much is stirring all through the house. So, I’ve decided to use this blog as graveyard of discarded thoughts and ideas, where we may reverentially wander around and occasionally stop to admire their handsome tombstones. If you shared my great misfortune of cutting your writing teeth early in the world of fanfiction, you will be aware that I am about to post somewhat akin to “a collection of drabbles” [I sincerely hope none of you know what I’m talking about, this is a deep-cut for the terminally online]. More charmingly put, this is meant to be a relaxing post for all of us here in the Stumpie Army. We have fought valiantly on behalf of The Stump, and I do believe it is somewhat a tradition to call a Christmas truce. If you aren’t a distinguished member of the Stumpie ranks yet, it’s never too late to enlist! Let this mark your moment to do at least one thing in 2023 that is worthy of pride:

Solicitations aside, let’s talk about a few of my favorite things, thoughts, and ideas…

Air Bud Storms The Beaches of Normandy

I have been sitting on this as a blog title for nearly three months now, and I’m simply too underskilled to adequately put this beauty of a post together in a way that would do it justice. I believe this concept was originally derived from a conversation about Air Bud movies I would like to see made. If you are unfamiliar - Air Bud, or more properly, Buddy, is a loveable and abnormally talented [unsettlingly talented?] Golden Retriever who mastered multiple human sports, including basketball, football, soccer, baseball, and volleyball. Air Bud is also the proud father of several Air Buddies who have, among other overpowered dog achievements, gone to Alaska, flown to space, and become superheroes. Point being - this family of dogs got that dog in ‘em.

However, I think one burning question has not been fully answered: how would Air Bud have handled the D-Day landing????? Bear in mind, this is a dog who canonically helps the United States women's national soccer team win the FIFA Women's World Cup in a penalty shootout against Norway after playing soccer for approximately five minutes. I think a dog with such unusual acumen for precision, agility, adaptability, and quick learning might have been a real boon to the Allied forces!!! I asked ChatGPT to imagine such a scene, and this time it delivered:

In the surreal tableau of the D-Day landings, the thunderous roars of artillery and crashing waves are momentarily eclipsed by the unexpected sight of Air Bud. Clad in a tiny, makeshift military uniform, his fur ruffled by the salty breeze, he sprints across the sandy shores with a determined gleam in his eyes. Ears flapping in the wind, he navigates the chaotic landscape with an agility that belies the gravity of the situation.

As Air Bud charges forward, soldiers on both sides do double-takes, momentarily transfixed by the spectacle of a handsome Golden Retriever in the throes of human conflict. Yet, his prowess becomes apparent as he skillfully maneuvers through the obstacles of war, darting between sandbags and leaping over debris. Remarkably, he turns his tennis-ball-wielding mouth into an unexpected weapon, stunning enemy soldiers with well-aimed and lethal throws. Blood drips triumphantly from his muzzle.

Air Bud is a leader and that’s why i think he’d be the first one off the boat

I mean, I must see it. I must have it. It’s a damn shame that the Air Bud franchise gave up before fully exploring what this clearly paranormal canine could have done for our military operations. The CIA spent all that time trying to level-up humans while Air Bud was sitting right there on the bench the whole damn time. If any staff from Air Bud Productions [yes, that is a real production company] are reading this - I humbly submit my proposition for the title of this film:

Air Bud: Dogs of War

And in the obvious event this movie is a smashing box office success, I’ll even offer up the sequel title [unfortunately, things didn’t go so well for Air Bud in this one]:

Air Bud: P.A.W.

Subtraction doesn’t make a lot of sense, actually

When I started my blog, my brother’s first reaction to the news was: “I hope it isn’t going to be about math.” Thank you, for your unwavering support, sir! Glad to see that my own flesh and blood believes in me!! Anyway, to spite my brother, here is a mini post about math.

Subtraction does usually make sense, I suppose. But occasionally it makes no sense. For example, a work week is five days long; we all know this, most unfortunately. However, if, in a given work week, Monday is the 10th, then that Friday will be the 14th.

14-10 = 4

Do you see what I’m getting at? By substracting the actual dates, you would never logically conclude that a work week is actually five days long, not four! I don’t think legally my boss can expect me to work five days a week when the math says otherwise. I know that the subtraction is counting, essentially, the number of times the day changes over in this case. But, as a person who is frequently thinking about my work week and begging, pleading with god for it to be finally over, I would like to utilize this loophole in subtraction to once and for all institute a four-day work week. So go forth, Stumpies, and tell your bosses that the calendar is out of order! The concept of subtraction is out of order! This whole system is out of order!!!! If they try to fire you for not showing up on the fifth day, tell them you did the math.

my 2024 prediction is that this is the year we come together against subtraction

I was on a wiffle ball podcast

One thing you might not guess about me is that I am a very diehard fan for an internet sports league called Major League Wiffle Ball, or MLW. As my editor is liable to point out several times a week - almost none of my preferences predict my other preferences.

MLW Wiffle Ball is absolutely one of my favorite things, and I owe their franchise a full-blooded post in 2024. However, I wanted to quickly discuss the fact that I was on their podcast as a guest this year, because that’s nutty as hell.

The relevant information that you need to know about MLW is that they are a YouTube Wiffle Ball league [the most popular one, in fact] that was started by Kyle Shultz, a kid from Brighton, Michigan, when he was like 10 years old. Through relentless grinding and an undeniably innate talent for business and content creation, Kyle and his partner in crime, Tommy Coughlin [TCIII, as the fans know him], have quite literally turned their neighborhood backyard wiffle ball league into a successful business that travels across the country, spreading wiffle ball cheer. This year, their World Series was played in Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. That’s a professional NFL football stadium, for the uninformed among you. These kids are on a rocket ship to the moon, and I intend to be in on the ground floor!

The other relevant piece of information that you need for this story is that Tommy hosts the leagues’s weekly podcast called Pipe It Up! with his trusty cohost - Jack Aigner. Tommy and Jack are coincidentally also the managers of my two favorite teams in the league: the Midwest Mallards and Metro Magic [2023 World Series Champs!!], respectively.

in case u were wondering how much of an MLW fan i really am, here is the merch collection #quackattack #wandsup

Okay, enough worldbuilding, let me tell you about my podcast experience. So, once their regular season ended, Tommy and Jack put out a call on Pipe It Up! for fans to submit ideas for guest segments on the pod. As a voracious listener [it is potentially embarrassing how much joy that podcast brings to my Tuesdays], I had to shoot my shot. This led to me dm-ing Tommy from my Stump instagram [I guess now is a good time to mention The Stump has an instagram] with the pitch that I wanted to do an interview-style Q&A with him and Jack about the business logistics of MLW. To my surprise, Tommy dm-ed me back, and within a few days I was logging into a zoom call for my favorite podcast. Even King Kyle himself had joined this call!

Admittedly, their other guest kinda wiped the floor with me lol… he brought a bunch of deep-cut statistics from the league [wth is OPS??], which were very impressive. Nevertheless, I had a dynamite time chatting with the guys, and I think I balanced the episode so that there’s something for everyone, even if you can’t keep up with the wicked stats master. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

This drabble ends with me just shamelessly plugging MLW and my Pipe It Up! episode… I pretty much only watch baseball when someone else puts it on or the Astros are in the World Series [i mean we hardly ever aren’t, and you can cry about it!], and MLW has still won me over as a massive fan. If you like seeing creators who are doing something unique and doing it well, make them one of your favorite things too.

this is their championship trophy and tell me you don’t find that charming as hell

How was I supposed to know who T-Pain was???

When I was in college, my university was bringing someone named T-Pain to campus. Now, I did not know who this was, but I took what I feel was a very educated and reasonable guess that it must be something to do with notable Founding Father - Thomas Paine. If you remember your 8th grade history class, Thomas Paine - or T-Pain, as I hear his friends called him - was famous for writing the pamphlet “Common Sense,” which was arguably integral to American independence.

This was a pretty famous thing to have happened!!!! This was a pretty famous and important man in history!!!! This is something I assume most people have on recall in their brains!!!! This was, as one might say, Common Sense!!!! So how was it ““““logical”””” for me to hear ‘T-Pain is coming to campus’ and think it wouldn’t have something to do with the most famous T-Pain in history!!!!!!!!

Well, my roommates certainly thought it was unreasonable! The guffawed their goddamn faces off! Someeeehowwww, I was supposed to know about a contemporary rapper named T-Pain, and that was supposeddddd to be my first thought when hearing an extraordinarily notable name [never mind that it’s shortened; it still makes more sense than a musician in the 2010s!]. Will I ever live down the T-Pain/Thomas Paine fiasco? Certainly not. But I would implore you all to spend a little more time thinking about Thomas Paine, okay, educate yourselves, plebs!

both masters of spittin’ bars… maybe there is something in a name

I think it’s safe to say I have a few… a couple… a sparing amount of pop culture blind spots. This has inspired the editor and several of my dear friends to play a little game with me called “Does Katie Know Who This Is?” The rules are simple: they think of a famous person, pull up a picture, and then I have to guess who it is. Inevitably, I don’t know who it is and everyone chuckles their minds out at dumb ‘ol Katie! It’s a cruel game; I love it very much. What’s even better is I have the brain of a goldfish and immediately forget the people they’ve shown me, so it’s an endlessly playable game. I’m certain they’ve showed me someone named “Macklemore” at least 200 times, and I still have no idea how I’m supposed to tell the difference between him and Ed Sheeran.

To “win” the game by selecting someone I cannot identify, my friends stick to the following guiding principles: 1) the celebrity should be someone famous after roughly 1984; 2) the celebrity should not be someone whose music was featured on the hit ABC show Glee, 3) the celebrity should not be someone who was at peak fame in the same time period as seasons 1-4 of the hit ABC show Glee.

If your celebrity falls within those scope conditions, there’s a fat chance I will not know them. I’m also pretty sure at least 17 celebrities currently running around are all just Ed Sheeran.

When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you’re feeling sad…

I hope you simply remember The Stump, one of your favorite things! And then you won’t feel so bad! Or you will, I’m not the boss of you.

Hopefully this was as fun for you as it was for me, dearest readers. Sometimes it’s nice to dust out the ol’ cobwebs and throw you a mish-mash of the debris. Hey, sometimes the scraps are the best part of the meal! We covered some important ground here today. I bet you haven’t thought of several of these topics, have ya? It’s important to think about your favorite things, even if those things are incomplete half-thoughts. I certainly feel better after thinking about Air Bud storming the beaches of Normandy. That title is simply never not going to make me chuckle to myself.

If you think about your favorite things to think about, you might just find that’s where some of your best ideas lie. Never fully bake an idea when half a bake will do. Fun fact: I deleted an entire section of this blog because what I thought was a useless drabble turned out to be a whole ass blog’s worth of content!

To wrap up, we have lots to look forward to here on The Stump because I’m certainly not going to stop having absurd and dumb completely rational and good ideas anytime soon. To that end, I hope you have a restful Christmas truce, Stumpies, because we aren’t stopping our roll anytime soon! We ride with Air Bud at dawn!

Answer my questions and win a special prize! [disclaimer - there is no prize]:

1. How is Air Bud so good at so many things? Is it magic? Is he a supernatural entity? Is he an alien dog a la Amber from Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders? Air Bud stumps me [ha].

2. Should I talk more about math on the blog? Should we all gang up on my brother and tell him that he’s a silly dummy for not wanting blog math??

3. How did I do on the MLW podcast? Remember, as always, I am not open to criticism.

4. What is a Macklemore? I’m going with fish.

5. What is one of your favorite trivial thoughts?

   dazzled by my unrelenting wit and wisdom? you can finance my caffeine and alcohol consumption that keeps this stone rolling uphill. also, i’ll be immeasurably grateful and possibly weep.