The Problem With Every Job Is Having To Engage With Others Who Do That Job

this is about networking (evil)

Hiya, Stumpies! Sorry my post is late this week, as I’m sure you’ve been anxiously checking your watches, just waiting for me to satiate that aching longing in your hearts for more Stump! Well, today I’m not taking the blame for my own failings [as if we ever do here on The Stump]. Today, I’m placing the blame squarely on an evil so ubiquitous, so deeply entrenched… my Sisyphean punishment, my well of despair, my personal corner of hell… that’s right, I’m blaming networking.

Okay, I am stretching to say that networking is directly to blame for my tardiness this week, but it is certainly the systematic cause of much of my fatigue, and my fatigue makes me bad at writing blogs on time. Ergo, fuck networking. My direct inspiration for this blog is a particularly awful networking event held at one of my jobs the Friday before last. This event was so mind-numbingly unpleasant that I am still recovering from it as of today.

Now, I recognize that I am a work-despising-cynic-who-mostly-hates-everything kind of person, but this event - branded innocently as a “lunch” - managed to look my dear, kindhearted, optimistic, sees-the-best-in-everything friend in the eyes and say: “Love your job? Well, what if you wanted to die instead?” Legitimately, I have never seen this friend of mine look so downtrodden as I have walking out of that godforsaken conference room. I always threaten to quit my job, but for the first time ever, this friend was also echoing my cries.

Here’s the thing: on a scale from 1-10, this networking event was undoubtedly a -100. However, the highest a networking event has ever achieved in human history [per my authoritative source - me] is a 4. All networking is fundamentally unpleasant. I am using the term “networking” flippantly to include pretty much any interaction that is not directly related to completing work but occurs in the spirit of work. Talking about work with anyone who works in your field is Dante’s 10th level of hell. To my beloved friends who also happen to be colleagues possibly reading this post right now, you are exempt, but only because you made it to the status of beloved friend by regaling me with tales of your life outside of work. You are rare gems that I treasure.

Shaking my fist at some clouds

In proper Stump fashion, this week I’ll just be bullying things I don’t like relentlessly.

We’ve royally screwed ourselves as a society. We have somehow determined that the least pleasant activity on the planet - discussing work - is one of the most necessary steps for nearly all jobs. Call it what you want - making connections, engaging with the field, staying up to date, learning - it’s all needles to the eyeballs! I have worked across three major industries, yet somehow, I have never outrun the dreaded advice to network within them. I think perhaps the most disheartening recent realization of this nature was that even folks of the creative, independent persuasion often network furiously to be successful. Seeing YouTubers do collaborations can suck your soul for many reasons, but this is undeniably one of them. Want to be a painter? Apparently you have to look at work from other painters. Want to be a musician? Get ready to make some duets!

Maybe in my heart of hearts I should really want to connect to all the “Amazing And Talented” [industry words] individuals in my professions, but I really just don’t. I’d really just like to do my work, get paid, and go home. Look, I don’t always mind meeting new people in the field, but the requirement aspect of it all is enough to spiritually rot and ravage my skeleton.

Actual photo of me taken before and after networking.

The networking simps among you might be thinking: “But other people in my field have so many valuable insights!” Not really. Just think a little harder and I’m positive you would’ve figured it out yourself.

Those who have been bullied by Big Networking into believing in it might be thinking: “Sure, networking is a chore, but you don’t want to reinvent the wheel when someone else has already figured it out. Better to ask the right person than waste your own time.” And like, fineeeeeeeee… I suppose on occasion networking provides information that you otherwise would have taken longer to know. But my rebuttal to this as a reason to retain networking is fourfold: 1) this is not 1981; someone on the internet has already made that wisdom publicly available; 2) the ratio of networking wins to losses is conservatively something like 1:9,000,000,000. If you wouldn’t play those odds in Vegas, then you’re deluding yourself about continuing to network; 3) email exists, so just ask them your question via email during business hours and stop believing it requires anything more; and 4) just think a little harder and I’m positive you would’ve figured it out yourself.

And I’m not going to feel sorry for your ass when you don’t listen to me about this!!!!

Finally, to those who have the great misfortune to be in industries where networking is somewhat “required” to get a job, I have to ask: have you no spine? Are you such a yellabellied coward that you’re just going to lay down and get steamrolled? Are you that insecure about your own merits that you have to kiss ass to get ahead?? More pointedly - are you not a member of said industry capable of breaking and shaping the standards within it??? If you have even a single subordinate whose upward progress you are in charge of, have the gumption to ignore their networking as a factor! I do not care if Andy in Accounting says that the subordinate up for a promotion is great. I do not care if Macey in Finance says that the candidate for a new position didn’t shake hands with her at the last conference. Short of legitimate red flag information on someone, the rest is all amorphous drivel. You are going to make them submit a whole buncha junk to ascend the ladder anyway; you might as well trim the fat of bizarre networking lore. “Oh, but how will we distinguish people who are all equally qualified?” I don’t know!!! Figure it out!!! Unless this is a goddamn lab rat experiment with two cloned candidates with identical resumes who only differ in their networking abilities, there are other ways to distinguish people. Don’t be lazy.

Now, some of you may remember that the inciting incident for this blog was me attending a networking event, to which you may be asking: “doesn’t that make The Stump hypocritical?” First of all, no, and kindly get bent! Second, no, for if I had not attended this event, I would have less content to bitch about, and I’m willing to sacrifice my own wellbeing for this damn blog. You’re welcome!

The bottom line is that there is no pleasant way to engage in networking [no, that Happy Hour at the industry conference does not count as pleasant; you were given a singular drink ticket and said “that sounds so interesting!” sixteen times that night. you’ve merely been tricked into believing that’s good]. Given that, it should be abolished. It is simply exhausting that doing good work and minding your own business is insufficient for success.

But if it’s here to stay, what should I do?

Since I can already hear the cowards with their esoteric protests of why it’s different in *insert industry/job/context/job title/status/location*, I’ll pivot here to providing some certifiable advice on how to deal with networking as long as humanity continues to insist on its existence.

So, let’s assume you have been trapped into a networking event. For the sake of mental clarity, I’m using my above example of a Happy Hour at an industry conference, because I have recently learned that all industries have conferences. Blue collar, white collar, pink collar, red collar, goddammed dog collar… they’ve roped us all into the fray. You have your drink in-hand, and you’ve turned around to face the crowd of people yapping their insatiable mouths off…

1. Never let them trap you into an industry-relevant conversation. If booze is my church and work is my state, the two should never mix lest the blessings of the former be tainted by the latter!

2. The weirder the conversation, the better. Bear with me here… People are always self-conscious about their attire at parties/events. “Am I overdressed, am I under dressed, is this the wrong vibe, is this too weird, etc.” What they fail to consider is that, from the perspective of all others attending, you are now part of what they are using to construct their idea of the “Average Attire” for the situation. You don’t stick out; you just shift the average. If you dressed on the more formal side, you have shifted the average attire to “more formal.” The same power holds true for conversations during networking events. You aren’t weird for asking people about the funniest story they can remember from middle school instead of their next project; you are single-handedly shifting the average conversation of the evening. With spontaneous luck, you may even construct the tipping point that turns the whole event’s vibe from “did you read the new thing about the thing?” to “onions are a far sillier vegetable than carrots.”

3. You have to be willing to make people feel a little bad about themselves for being losers. Gentle social correction is one of the core drivers of humanity, and you might have to step up to the plate. Sammy won’t stop going on and on and on and on about work? You have to gently and jokingly [despite your complete seriousness] nip that shit in the bud. Self deprecation is going to be your friend here. “Man, Sammy, you’re really a workaholic aren’t you? Haha! I’m too stupid to have that many thoughts at once… I’m usually thinking about Frasier.” You have Interjected [which at the very least may allow some folks to make an exit, for which they will be grateful] + Made The Networker Feel Unusual For Their Behavior [social shaming is a powerful tool that can correct the issue long-term] + Deflected [bring up Frasier in 2023 and people will have thoughts, believe me]. You may have to be persistent; this might not be a one-and-done, but it will work if you are steadfast.

   

4. If the conversation gets away from you, seek solace in cartoon violence. Since I was a child, I have imagined that I may one day find myself kidnapped/otherwise trapped and held in a room with nothing but six blank white walls. I’m sure you have all assumed similar things about the direction of your life. In preparation for this inevitability, I decided I needed to become adept at entertaining myself with nothing but those walls to stave off insanity. Came in handy when networking rolled around!!! If the folks at your networking event won’t cease their droning, start imagining them in increasingly Looney Tunes scenarios. Perhaps Alicia gets hit with an anvil [she lives, but squashes like Elmer Fudd]. Possibly Jerry runs into a painting of a tunnel on the wall [see visual reference included for your viewing pleasure]. Voila! You’re watching your own personal cartoons and the bossky is none the wiser!

5. Leave. If the evening has become unsalvageable, you can just leave. I am giving you permission. “Oh, I have to stay because it’ll look bad/be awkward if I leave.” No it won’t. No one is thinking about you once you’re out of eyesight. Once again Big Networking is trying to lure you into her grasp, and you must lash yourself to the mast and resist her song. Bonus points if you can get in a slightly-too-loud: “I’m bouncing this shit sucks” to a friend before you go. Double bonus points if you can lead an exodus of your friends and colleagues out the door together.

You will be fine without it.

Trust me. Some of the weirdest, least sociable hermits I have ever met [or, more accurately, seen scurrying around in the shadows because they never attend anything] are far more successful than Dr. Charisma With The Endless Rolodex. I’m not saying that no one has ever gotten a job/ascended from networking; I’m saying that networking is not a necessary pathway, especially if we start fighting back! The Stump is officially giving you permission to stop networking. A greatly respected boss of mine once affirmed that it is A-Okay to skip networking events because they are mostly “a waste of time.” Listen to my boss, not your boss, or, god forbid, LinkedIn. Give yourself permission to skip the group call, the conference, the workshop, the webinar, the lunch-n-learn [the inventor of which should be taken out back and shot]. Chat with folks only when you want, about what you want, and if what you want to chat about is work, seek help, but not from a network.

Now, let’s practice good conversations:

1. I wanna hear some networking horror stories! Gimme!

2. Favorite bit from Looney Tunes?

3. What is one way you’re going to actively undermine the concept of networking this week?

   wanna venmo me a buck? every buck in my pocket gets me closer to never having to network again.