I Zapped Myself With An Electric Lighter On Purpose, And Here's Why I Think That's Good

do not attempt. actions performed by a professional (me).

I am adding a disclaimer to this post up front: I am writing this blog extremely tired and gassed after what has been, I would say, three very busy weeks. Not only did I get approximately 3.5 hours of sleep last night, but I also had a relatively high-stakes meeting with my boss at job #1, 54 emails needing my immediate attention at job #2, and I have consumed approximately 50oz of caffeinated beverages in the past six hours (of which, about 8oz were the should-totally-be-illegal “charged lemonade” from Panera). So! All that is to say, you and I both have very little idea what is about to come out of my proverbial mouth right now. That being said, I picked the topic for this post a week ago, so what is attributable to exhaustion vs. The Regular Ordeal That Is Being Inside The Mind Of Katie is up for anyone to guess.

Now, you may be wondering about that blog title. “I Zapped Myself With An Electric Lighter On Purpose, And Here's Why I Think That's Good” is provocative, engaging, curiosityifying [good new word alert]. Let’s dissect the title slowly:

Time for her to start talking…

First, what is an electric lighter? Electric lighters are a certifiable Nifty Little Gadget, which I have recently been exposed to via the internet. Basically, if you would rather light a candle while channeling a beam of tiny lightning (a la a tiny Thor) instead of traditional *~fire~* (so déclassé), then you need an electric lighter. Charge it up, flip the switch, and set phasers to fun! You can zap things over here, you can zap things over there! They have a very far reach, making it possible to start fires while barely breaking a sweat. These gizmos also come with that satisfying buzz of a bug zapper. Invoke insect death with every birthday candle!

Next, let’s talk about the meat of the title - Yes, I did, in fact, stick my finger in said electric lighter. You see, the electric lighter (shown below) employs the aforementioned beam of tiny lightning suspended between two metal prongs to combust its prey. Already very enticing for sticking things between. I started this journey modestly, discovering that zapping a piece of paper or cardboard between the prongs creates the most satisfyingly perfect little hole and pleasant burning smell. The tricky thing is: paper and cardboard are very thin. And oh, what’s that? So is my fingernail. And you have to understand that at the time of this adventure, reader, my thumb fingernail was quite long. Not too long, but long enough to fit comfortably between the prongs with what I thought was adequate clearance from my flesh. You see where I’m going. Sure, I resisted for a while, but even the mightiest among us sometimes succumb to temptation. So, with great certainty that I was careening towards a neat little burn hole in my fingernail and absolutely no other consequences, I pressed the button.

[ZAP!]

Just look at this and tell me you don’t want to stick your finger in that attractive blue lightning bolt. When else am I going to get to control when I am struck by lightning? If you don’t find this tempting, you’re simply lying to yourself. Why do you live in fear of discovering your full potential??

Listen, I’m fine, okay. It was only a little burnt flesh. The smell was worse. The fact that I gained no perfectly round burn hole! in my fingernail was worse yet.

You may think that it was awfully stupid of me to put any of my appendages anywhere near something designed to create fires. You may think it a quite boneheaded move, a fool’s errand, mayhaps a failed IQ test. To that I say: “Nuh uh!” That’s right, dear reader, burnt flesh aside I defend my decision to zap my own finger with an electric lighter meant for starting fires, and let me tell you why…

Curiosity is a wonderful thing. That little human urge to go “huh, I wonder what would happen if I did that.” Look, it wasn’t very wise when some human first intentionally started a fire, either (given fires’ penchant for burning things down and the notorious lack of fire departments at the time). But, had that brave individual never taken the leap to become mankind’s Prometheus [ignoring the liver pecked out for all eternity bit, as it may undermine my point here], we would not have learned to thoroughly master fire, condense it down, and shove it inside a little stick sold on Amazon . com for $7.99. Who’s to say that my adventurous spirit wasn’t to yield similarly impressive results!? You might say, “Well, Katie, it seems pretty obvious that trying to burn a hole in your fingernail isn’t going to do anything to advance humanity.” And sure, it seems obvious now! But would you have been so sure before I told you my tale? That’s right. I think not.

See, the thing is, by sticking my fingernail in the electric lighter I demonstrated at once humanity’s capacity for curiosity, creativity, adventure, inventiveness, and overall lust for life. I gained new, invaluable knowledge and wisdom about 1) how to judge the length of my fingernail from my finger, 2) how conductive electric lighters are, and 3) what getting zapped by a miniature lightning bolt feels like. Bet you don’t think I’m so stupid now, huh! Without trailblazers like me, we may never have known that fire put very close to the skin will burn it!

Okay, sure… I’m being a little intentionally obtuse there for comedic purposes [laugh now], but at its core, what I am writing here is still correct. I’m not saying that I recommend you replicate my little experiment [although, if you have long fake nails and a valiant spirit, I wouldn’t necessarily discourage you from seeing if the perfect little burn hole in the fingernail is achievable and sending me a picture of the results], but what I am saying is that my curiosity serves as a charming reminder that humans are stupid in delightfully fun and occasionally useful ways. Lot’s wife looked back and was punished by being turned into a pillar of salt. Orpheus looked back and lost his beloved Eurydice. But I think we should look back anyway… no one would have remembered either of those stories if they’d never looked back. Absolute worst-case scenario: you get to have a very interesting, and occasionally ironic, death.

Too tired to keep typing so let’s wrap this puppy up.

Y’all, much like the actions that inspired it, this post was real stupid. This blog is often pretty stupid overall. But I’m going to keep writing it anyway because why the hell not? Who knows what we’ll discover here together! I may have more groundbreaking opinions about classic rock or what to order at McDonalds. If I don’t keep writing my stupid thoughts down online, they may never be heard by others, which is frankly tragic and will have haunting consequences for human progress. Who else is championing that more things should cost $10? Or for the persecution of magicians who use twins to do “magic” tricks? Big, clever trees can grow from small, idiotic Stumps [I’m not even positive I understand the metaphor in that sentence either, so don’t get hung up on it].

Finally, I personally enjoy it when I end the blogs with a little “call to action” for my faithful readers [and my unfaithful ones… you know who you are]. So, my call to action this week is to Do Something Stupid. (Second disclaimer of the post: don’t be so stupid you get hurt/sick/do something harmful to other people/do anything that would make me liable for putting this on the internet. I have no money for a lawyer + going to court seems very boring, and I hate doing boring things). Do Something Stupid that makes no sense to anyone, least of all yourself. I tried something stupid, and I wrote a blog burned my finger. I rolled the curiosity dice and lost, but you gotta win sometimes, and you’ll never win if you don’t play! Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back. Now, as I am so tired dearest reader, I am going to sleep. Maybe I’ll try sleeping upside-down, just to see what the hell happens.